Life After Love: Five Months Later

Okay, so many of you are likely wondering how we're doing, five months into this new life. I've had a great deal on my plate, and still do, and there have been countless times I've wanted to blog to vent my frustrations especially. But I have decided I'd like to keep this as positive as possible, because that is what I need right now. Particularly right now.

Things are crazy busy at work, as is to be imagined. The move has really only shortened my drive by 10 minutes, so I am on the road for nearly 2 hours/day. Time with the boys becomes a priority in the evenings, so I am behind... but I don't really care. I care about getting myself and my boys through this.

Although I have no clue what the other side will look like, or whether or not I'll know I'm there. This is my life, my reality, I'm living now. Maybe it will always be this way. Who knows? I hate to think I'm going to feel this lonely all my life, feel this great void. I hate to think that maybe, just maybe, my husband didn't love me all along, and that I had a false conception of love as a result. Possible.

There are definitely highs and lows, and as of Saturday things have hit another low... so it's difficult to stay positive. Perhaps I shouldn't have chosen this moment to blog an update, especially as I feel the invasive eyes of my student teacher looking over my shoulder from the table behind me. So... I'll blog later, when I have time!! Haha, that's a joke!!

Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive...

Adding Insult to Injury

Every day this shit gets worse. When is it going to end? I can't do this much longer. I am strong, but I can't handle much more. Greg continues to add insult to injury, with a stone cold heart. This is all too much.

Today the boys and I were invited to Greg's cousin's son's baptism, and under the impression Greg wasn't going to be there, we mustered the strength to go. I am friends with Greg's cousin Janice, and I wanted to be there for her. And my boys love their cousins and their family. They miss them. But then, as I'm going out to get the stroller for Caleb after the baptism, Greg shows up. Wearing a shirt his girlfriend, whom he left me for, bought him. Of all the fucking shirts in his closet, are you kidding me? I know I'm upset because my heart is still very broken, and sure, his entire family will see it as overreacting that we left - and he'll play it that way. But are you fucking for real Greg?

He wants us to be friends but he refuses to end the relationship (which JUST ended not even a week ago - apparently ended, who even knows if it did, or if it will end for good THIS time) with Amanda. He is so insensitive to my emotions about all of this. He is stone cold, heartless. And I have nothing more to say. Once I can be severed completely from him, maybe then I can heal. What an ass.

Trying to Pick up the Pieces

I can't sleep. I desperately need to but I can't. My mind is racing. My heart is crying. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And just when I think it's getting a little better, a little easier, I am hit with yet another blow.

Not only is Greg still dating his 23 year old girlfriend whom he left me for (so there's all that self esteem shit to deal with there), he had the audacity to bring her along on his time with the boys yesterday. Ya. I don't even know what to say. It's entirely inappropriate, for one, to do that to our kids. The boys are so young and so confused with all of this. And he didn't even tell me, Isaiah did. It's pretty pathetic when you find out the truth from a three year old.

And it's pathetic on her part too, as a mom herself. She is free to choose to have people waltz in and out of her daughter's life, but when this begins to affect my kids I am going to put up a fight. They are not in the least bit ready for that. They haven't recovered from their life turning upside down. I definitely wonder what kind of a person she is if she can't see that. But she isn't the issue, really, Greg is.

He just doesn't get it. Not in the least. And he continues to make these choices. This is a path he chose. I asked him to fight for us, time and time again, he chose her. I have to live with that choice, and hopefully it does work out to be good for me in the end, but it is a choice that has some serious negative impacts right now. It is completely ridiculous that she was there with my kids. He has all the time in the world to spend with her, that he doesn't value what time he has with the boys is shocking. (Although I'm not entirely sure why, considering, for example, he only ever wants his kids at the end of a weekend so it doesn't interrupt his free time. He is living a life I honestly didn't think he wanted... I thought I married a family man...)

And that so many still root for him is beyond comprehension. I am sick of the "poor Greg" shit. I have never, not once, denied his access to the kids. Despite what kind of a person he is. I have never treated him poorly in all of this. I wish people would look at who he is being and not be so quick to judge me. I was not perfect in my marriage, but neither was he. People are forgetting just how miserable he made me. It's not all about him. And no matter what, he didn't have to end the marriage that way. He could have been decent and ended it first before moving on with her. I loved him unconditionally. I was committed and devoted to him.

And now I need to get over him. That he still chooses her means we can't be friends. It means he really doesn't, and possibly never did, feel the way I felt about him. Feel about him. (Yah, that I could still love him after all this is baffling to me, but it's there. I have yet to find a way to just turn it off.) That he doesn't value anything I do. That he doesn't respect our children. I have to unlove him. I have to let go of that kind of person.

What sucks is that all increasingly crushing to my self esteem. I am the only one hurting in this. It is so unfair. And I am starting to wonder if I'll ever be okay, if I'll get through this.

But I took a big step right now... a step I may need help taking. He is not a friend. How can he be if he is putting her first? Before the kids. He is not a person I need in my life right now if these are the choices he is making. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep him out of my life. I deleted him from my Facebook because it does me no good to know what is going on with him, with them. I am going to focus solely on myself and my boys, getting us through this. And whoever is there with me in the end are my real friends.

A Blessing in Disguise?

Okay readers, we're almost three months in to this separation. And I wish I could say it's gotten easier. Well, it hasn't. Not in the least. It's still raw, it's still overwhelming, it's still sad and hurtful. And I can't seem to get over the pain. Or the fact that I can still, somewhere in my heart, love someone who has treated me like shit for so long. Who was disconnected, emotionally and... totally... from our marriage for quite some time. For someone who has no moral fibre, no values. And I'm a sucker, douped again by my own mistake to trust him in some capacity. But he's a liar, and always will be someone I can't call a friend. My friends are amazing people. They are good, genuine, loving people, sound in their morals. That is not Greg. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

I've always believed everything happens for a reason, and so something good is going to come out of this. At some point. But it's tough. It's hard to believe that. I hate how painful this is, still, today. I hate how much I miss a marriage that was pretty damn shitty, to be honest. How can I want that? How can I not want better for myself? I do, but you know, it's hard to let go of someone you love (which is also interesting to note how easily Greg has let go... so it makes me question how he felt all along), a relationship so familiar. It's hard to see that this is going to work out for the best, in the end. The end is so far from the present.

So how do I get through this? How do I stay strong when so much is challenging who I am, right to the core? I have to ignore what everyone thinks. Many people are mistakenly misguided by others' thoughts and opinions and have formed ill opinions as a result. The people who know me for me will be there for me in the end. As for the rest, it's their loss. I'm not even half the things he's making me out to be... I can't change what people think of me, who I was in my marriage or who I am today. I have to just be me. Keep my head up and get through this. Love my kids and take the best possible care of them. Control what I can and leave the rest up to...

...well, here's where I wish I could say God. It'd be nice to know I could trust someone. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm not exactly sold on the higher power. We are masters of our own fate, creators of our destiny. But still, it'd be nice to know someone was helping to look out for me, putting me through this test for something in the future... right?

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just pretty lost in all this. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded that Greg can be the way he is. It makes me feel as though he never loved me in the first place. It's hard to get past the cheating, too. I know I unfortuately have to deal with him because of our kids, and I'd like it to be civil. I really would. But how can I possibly be civil with someone like him? How can he possibly expect me to want to be a friend of his when he treated me far worse than any of my friends, combined, have treated me. I didn't deserve any of this, but the unfairness of it all is something I also can't control. It just sucks.

So I'm just trying to vent, and I no longer care how public this shit gets. It is what it is. People who know can then be there for me, to pick me up and get me back on the path, moving forward. Onward I go.

Breaking my Silence

Okay, well it seems enough time has passed for me to begin expressing what I have been going through in my own words, instead of simply posting lyrics that I can relate to quite closely. I have a lot to say, and if you know or suspect my situation, you'll understand just how much I must have to say. So it won't all be said in this post, by no means, and much will be left unsaid anyway, for many reasons. For one, I am pressed for time... I am now officially a single mother of three, three very rambuncious boys who keep me very busy and are all very dependent on an adult to care for their needs. As well, I don't believe that everything needs to be said. I am a very private person who has had to make much of what I am going through public, on sites like Facebook mostly simply because of Greg's choice to change his status to single. I followed suit and allowed the opportunity to be an open door for me, to let people who are going to be there for me do so by being honest in my status updates so they know how to support me. I've still maintained a degree of privacy, trust me, there's so much I've at times wanted to say.

So what have I to say today? Well, as you've likely already guessed, my marriage has recently dissolved. I take issue with that, as though I am gaining perspective regarding the person I was married to, I was not the one to initiate the chain of events that led to the marriage's end. And I hold firm in my belief to try at all costs, which did not happen because of things Greg did and choices he made, not me. That is not to say I don't own the problems that were mine in the marriage. If I could go back and make different choices I would. I would redirect the focus and concentrate more on the positives between us. We sent one another on a downward spiral... But I cannot look at my life through the rear-view mirror, save to learn from my mistakes and others' mistakes. I must put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Yet I must step off the road I am on for a moment to make one comment. I do not take marriage lightly. I do not buy into the philosophy taken by Greg that marriage is something you lease, and that should you wish you trade in for a newer model. That is a crock, if you ask me. I financed, I was commited for life. I meant what I said in my marriage vows, that I was in it for better or for worse. I knew from the beginning my investment might depreciate over time, and I also knew that it would take a lot of work to keep it in mint condition. And, just like a car, when things break or begin to go awry, I believe they need to get into the shop to be fixed. Well, I was never given that chance. Instead of attempting to salvage our marriage, by going to counselling for example, Greg simply took the "easy" way out. He sabotaged the marriage, knowing full well the likely consequences of his actions, and now we're at where we're at.

And it's no "easy" road, that's for sure, for either of us. Our situation has been complicated by another chain of events that many people are unfortunately stuck on, and don't fully understand. That, however, I'll leave well enough alone for now, despite the pain it has caused me (and continues to...). I will only attest to how difficult it has made things for the both of us, and how complicated an already complicated situation became.

But you know, despite how painful, sad and disappointing this has been for me, there have come a handful of very wonderful things. For one, I'm doing it on my own. Were you to ask me before I definitely did say I was already quite like a single parent, but I really am now, in all aspects. And I'm doing it. In fact, I'm doing it well. There are still very difficult moments, made even harder in having to deal with this added stress and the emotional toll this all has taken. For me, that is... it would seem I'm the only one who has shed tears over the end of the marriage, but that's something to reflect on at another time... or not, who knows? At least I know I loved with my whole heart... Anyhow, I've taken the boys on vacation by myself, I've taken them on day trips, I function day in and day out as a single mom. And I am doing a great job. I am first and forevermore a mom. I would have, even two months ago, told you that role was equally as important to me as was my "title" of wife. But with that stripped away, I am focused solely on parenting my boys through this.

Another amazing thing that has come out of this is the tremendous amount of support and love. So many people have said such kind, supportive things. And some of those people, many in fact, are people I would never have suspected to say anything. People who were simply acquaintances, people I knew more through Greg's side of the family, people from stages in my life that have come and gone, and unfortunately so had much of our contact, but also people who have been amazing friends all along. And of course my loving family. I am very grateful to still have so many wonderful people in my life who are strong enough to stand up and say what they think, to support me regardless of ties, to understand there are two sides to every story, to emphasize with what I must be going through.

So, I'm just trying to get through each day. Not one day passes, however, that I do not get caught up thinking about what we had, what could have been. It's sad and very disappointing to not be living the life you thought you were going to. And although I tend to agree in many ways that this will work out for the better in the end, it's still not what I wanted, this is not the road I chose to be on. I miss my husband terribly. He was my best friend. He was my partner. But he is not someone I even know anymore. And he very obviously doesn't know me. Doesn't respect me or value the things I hold most important in life. Yet I still cry... I probably will be very upset about all of this for a long time. I loved him.

Impossible

Six weeks in, and things are still too difficult to put into my words, so again I leave you with some lyrics...

Shontelle: Impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did, i did
and you were strong and i was not
my illusion, my mistake
i was careless, i forgot
i did

and now when all is done
there is nothing to say
you have gone and so effortlessly
you have won
you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

falling out of love is hard
falling for betrayal is worst
broken trust and broken hearts
i know, i know
thinking all you need is there
building faith on love is worst
empty promises will wear
i know (i know)

and now when all is gone
there is nothing to say
and if you're done with embarrassing me
on your own you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy (i was happy)
and my heart is broken (and my heart is broken)
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

My Little Timbit

Well, we're one month into soccer season now - for Isaiah and myself. Isaiah is playing in the Timbit Under-5 division this year, and he's really starting to take to the game. Last night he was quite into the game, chasing the ball and dribbling it toward the net (although twice he got confused as to which net was the one to score in). And he did in fact almost score (yes, almost in our net, but also almost in the opponent's net as well). It's hard for him to not get caught up in not scoring. At least last night's game was more evenly matched and I think in the end we may have pulled off a win (if not, a tie). (I sound completely oblivious to the game, but keep in mind I have three kids to watch and so my priorities are not keeping track of the goals for and against... that, and the past few weeks have been complete blow-outs by the other teams so I just stopped keeping a running tally so my brain must've already thought to do so again.)

Anyhow, he really seems to enjoy the game. And I'm very glad he wants to play. I'm not having to coerce him to dress in his shinpads, socks, uniform and cleats nor bribe him to step on the field, as some parents do. And so long as he is reminded to keep chasing the ball and kick it toward the other end of the field, he is actually very involved in the play.

As for Braylon, he's so far been content to be allowed to warm-up with the Purple Dragons and then sit alongside the field to cheer for his big brother. Of course it helps that his cousins have been to every game, along with many other family members (I'm pretty sure Isaiah has had the most fans each game), to help distract him. And last night Grandma Lina brought some gummy candies for him. But he's definitely into the game as well. Unfortunately he has yet another summer to wait as despite being 14 months from Isaiah in age, they are two "school years" apart.

Caleb has so far been an easy spectator too. He typically naps during part of the time and thankfully, despite becoming increasingly difficult to rock him to sleep, he has eventually given in to slumber in my arms while cheering for Isaiah. And last night he was so completely off his normal schedule that he was wide awake the entire game, which was better.

And so that's how our typical Tuesday or Thursday evening, depending on the schedule, plays out. This is only the beginning of a very busy life for me... a life I thought would be busy for two parents and which now is going to play out even more so it would seem. (Again, not the time to blog about any of this yet... maybe one day...)

Heartbreak

What I really need to blog about is too painful and raw right now, so for now I leave you with some lyrics from a song, many of the words of which are very fitting of my situation...

The Script: Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's going to put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna to stop the bleeding
'Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the blame,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cuz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no

We May Have Reached a Milestone

Okay, so if you've been with me for awhile, you well know the struggles I had potty training Isaiah. And what with my nephew already trained, I'm slightly discouraged that Braylon isn't, at 27 months. That being said, I'm slightly apprehensive about pushing him. I know we're supposed to let them train when they are ready. But he really has shown signs of readiness. And it seems today we may have reached a milestone. He woke up this morning refusing the diaper, so into big boy underwear he went. And so far so good. He asked three times this morning to use the potty, once to poo, and I took him once when I thought it'd been awhile since the last time he'd gone. All four times there were results. He's back in his undies post nap, and so far so good again! In fact, I JUST took him and he chimed, "Yeah, me!" after looking to be sure he had done a "big pee" in the potty. (I can't believe my blogging life focuses so much on potty training and so little on thoughts flying through my head, but that's for another time.)

He's just such a different kid than Isaiah was. It's incredible the spectrum, really, that must exist, as in many ways my oldest two are polar opposites. He's such a ham, honestly. Isaiah too, but Braylon gets anyone going and just soaks up positive attention. Take yesterday, making "KISS" faces with Bert at Max's luncheon. Or the things he says to us as we're trying to get him to sleep.

I've really noticed a change in him by far the most the last while. Particularly in terms of his words. Before, he really let Isaiah speak for him, and really only I understood what he was intending to communicate. But now he's speaking sentences, understandable to most. He's counting to ten (well, sort of to twenty, actually, but he does 10 with no mistakes... he misses fourteen when counting to twenty). He's trying quite hard to carry on conversations now, and wants you to know exactly what he means to say.

It's other things as well. He has never been one for cartoons (where Isaiah can sit for hours, were he allowed, in front of the tv watching cartoons, Braylon doesn't avert one single glance in its direction). He's a very active boy, who just likes to play. And lately he's been into things more sophisticated. Take, for instance, how Greg noticed yesterday that, where a normal toddler would (and he himself used to) simply whack at a ball or puck with a hockey stick or golf club, he now tries hard to stick handle. At 2. On the floor of course, as I've yet to convince my boys to appreciate the ice like I do. It's phenomenal, really, watching how he carefully taps the ball to see just how much control he needs. (Maybe I should have him coach me, as I'm jumping into a new sport: ball hockey, next week and, did I mention, am completely uncoordinated when it comes to sports involving hand-eye coordination... that's why I play soccer and skate!!).

I'm interested to see where Caleb will fit in. He's really changing these days as well, but that will be for another post! I think two in one day, considering I've not blogged for ages (again, I know), is good for now!

Still Going "Strong"

So, as many of you who read my blog know, I've been doing the P90X since the beginning of March. Initially my husband and I planned time for our workouts to happen together, but that quickly became impossible to keep up with three kids and a changing routine for Greg every two weeks. I quickly found myself, along with Tony Horton and his rotating fitness models, having to stick to my guns and continue reserving a chunk of time to head downstairs and exercise. Now, when I say exercise, I'm not so sure this is entirely what I was looking for. Not only is Tony incredibly annoying by disc 2, with his cheesy lines especially, but the program features certain exercises that I'm not sold on. But when I say I'm going to do something, and still have at least 15 lbs. to go until I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm going to do it. And some of the "bulking up" I don't mind, as since turning 30 parts of my body, in particular my under arms, have begun to sag (yes, despite carrying three children day in and day out). However, there are parts I force myself to do, and I'm still not entirely convinced that I will achieve the results I am looking for through this particular program.

For one, as a friend of mine pointed out, there is no opportunity to plug in my personal information and goals so that I can better design the program for me. Where a personal trainer would sculpt a workout best for what I need at this point in time, this workout series is really quite generic, with generalized suggestions of what you should be doing (mostly in terms of reps). I'm totally guessing as to which weight would best suit the specific exercise, and how much I should push my body to accomplish in one day.

On the up side, people have mentioned they've noticed a physical change... which is good, mostly. It's sort of depressing in that I must really have been carrying a good deal of baby weight around for people to see such a result already, considering I have quite a way to go (it's a 90 day program). But, like I said, I've been sticking it out! And it's something, as right now I can't exactly get out of the house every day to work out at the gym. By the way, I suppose I really should have agreed to taking a "before" photo, as the program and Greg both suggested. But I was far too modest to take a picture of myself so out of shape seven weeks ago! That means I'm halfway done right now, as each phase is four weeks long.

Now, usually, unless I miraculously work it out to squeeze the workouts in while Caleb naps, I have all three munchkins downstairs, typically interrupting my workout at frequent intervals (though usually because Isaiah and Braylon, though best of friends, play together terribly these days and often need refereeing every few minutes). So what is supposed to be an hour/day commitment quickly turns in to 2 or so. Which means I don't keep up with the Ab Ripper addition that you're supposed to do 3 times/week, as once I'm done the first workout, I can't possibly squeeze in an extra 15 minutes (which equates to about 30 or 40 with kids). So that's been disappointing too, as my core is the most out of shape.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am completely fine with my post-pregnancy body. Honestly. In fact, I've embraced the fact that my belly button will be a crater rather than it's original small sunken cavity. And I've come to accept that I may be a little jiggly in places I wasn't before having kids. I just want to be slightly more fit. I don't seem to have the energy to keep up with my kids, nor do I have the funds to recreate my wardrobe in a larger size, to be honest. Most importantly, I feel better when I exercise, and it makes me want to eat better (though I've still not given up on certain bad habits... considering I just scarfed down some Mini Eggs leftover from Easter... but one thing at a time...).

And so, after making chocolate favours for Caleb's baptism this evening, the plan is to head down to begin week eight (planned well to have my "Beach Body" in time for summer, eh?... totally kidding, I'm not sure I'll ever sport a bikini again... but the workout series is part of the whole Beach Bodies corporation, hence the joke). The first workout of the week is the worst - he makes you do a variety of pushups and chin ups - but once you get passed it, the rest of the week is a lot easier, at least for me. So here's to maintaining some sort of fitness, trying to get a little healthier one small step at a time!

Leave of Absence

Well, I did it. I applied for, and received permission to take, a leave of absence from work. Granted it doesn't take effect until September 2013, but it's the best I can do. And despite some griping from my husband - who thinks I rarely work as is, since I've been off on back-to-back-to-back mat leaves, basically - it's the best solution for us. (By the way, I'll leave that well enough alone for now, since most of you who read my blog fully know just what being a SAHM entails. It's not as if we sit around all day with our feet up doing absolutely nothing.)

So I am getting a full year off... in 4 years' time!!! I'll be off the year Braylon is in SK and Caleb in JK, which means I will be able to be home with them each on their days off (assuming Strathroy - if we even live here still - does not yet get full time kindergarden programming by then, which may be the case... either way, I'm off!). I'll be able to take all of my kids to school, participate in their school activities (fields trips and such), and not have the overwhelming responsibilities that come with my job, for once. (Can you tell I'm already dreading returning in September? How will I possibly plan lessons and mark for 3 courses, commute 2+ hours daily, and take care of 3 kids? With Greg on 2 weeks of afternoons every two weeks too? Argghh, can you sense the stress?)

It's definitely a financial concern, though, because I'll be taking a pay reduction in order to be "paid" the year I don't work. And considering I haven't received full pay for a full year since 2005, I'm not sure how this will pan out. I suppose, in a way, we've been living off a reduced rate since Isaiah was born, so I'm used to budgeting with financial constraints. However, we're sick of living so tight, and taking this extra year off means tying into four more years of doing so.

But I truly feel it is what is best. I'll hopefully finally be able to take courses to better myself as an educator that year as well, not to mention move up the grid. And I'll be less restricted time-wise for travelling, so should Greg manage to get full time at Toyota by then, and therefore be given holiday allowance, we could take a vacation outside of prime time. That would be nice! And best of all, did I mention, I'll be home with my kids! WOO HOO!! Honestly, I really wish I could stay at home with them to be their primary caregiver from now until that point. I know it's not feasible, as in my career giving up my position means giving up teaching entirely, really. Quitting in my board - even with the intent to return at some point - is quitting for life; there are far too many others chomping at the bait to take your spot. In many ways it is a downside of teaching (and I don't mean to gripe about the disadvantages of my job, as I know there are many perks as well, such as our summer holidays and fabulous pension plan). But it's true, it's not just some job I can leave for a few years and pick back up, maybe just somewhere else... it doesn't work that way. Which is in large part why we chose for me not to consider dropping to part time either, as it may be years before I receive my full time entitlement again (not to mention commuting to Woodstock to teach 66% with no guarantee my lines would be am or pm sounded slightly ridiculous anyhow). And as transferring closer has been unsuccessful thus far in my 6 years of employment, I resolve to accept the fact that, for now, I'm meant to teach at WCI.

And so that's what the future seems to hold. We've no clue where we'll be... Greg would move in a heartbeat to Woodstock, but it's me that is holding back (not that I'm tied to Strathroy, by any means, I'm just not sold on Woodstock). But I know I'll be home with my boys, which is time I'll never get back, so I'm glad to be spending it with my boys rather than at work (even though I actually do like my job!). Already the time has flown by - they grow up so fast...

Not Enough Hours in the Day

So there are definitely not enough hours in my day lately. I am finding it difficult to keep up with blogging, obviously, but it's also just so darn busy with three boys so close in age. Don't get me wrong, I love being home, but it's a challenge to find time to devote to each of them. And sometimes my parenting is far from ideal.

But I do like that, now that we've "sprung forward" there is more daylight... and add in the mild weather we've been having, and at least we're taking advantage of what hours we do have in the day to spend them outside. We've been out for walks, and playing with the ride-on toys.

I am, however, finding it difficult to spend an hour of each day doing my workouts, though three weeks in and I'm still keeping up with them. Despite returning to both skating and yoga this winter, my post pregnancy body the third go has really struggled to find a shape anywhere near what I'd like. So I've been doing the P90X workout since the beginning of March. I'm trying to stick with it, even though there are parts I really don't like. We'll see how quickly results come!

Anyhow, a bit of an update...

Well, the boys are growing quickly. It's amazing, really. Their personalities are really starting to emerge, especially in Caleb and Braylon. Braylon is incredibly "strong-willed"! He is much different than Isaiah ever was at this age. He is certainly goofy, very active and loves to be physical, especially rough housing with Isaiah. His words have been coming along, with sentences developing and vocal responses becoming more sophisticated.

Isaiah is finally fully potty trained. He had a severe aversion to pooping in the potty, which we finally conquered a few weeks ago. And he tends to keep his nighttime diapers dry if I get him to pee just before falling asleep. I'm hesitant to take it away because I'd rather not deal with a wet mattress!

Caleb is, although no longer sleeping through the night, growing and changing daily. He really wants to get moving, but he hates tummy time so crawling is nowhere in sight. He's a good eater so far, though there are veggies he'd rather I not serve him! I think he's going to be much like Isaiah, although he loves both of his brothers.

Anyhow, the boys aren't letting me write much without distraction - the colouring at the desk beside me has already gone awry - so I'd best sign off for today. I will one day write more... there are actually a few things to catch you up on!

Life is Too Short

It is with sadness that I blog today as my next door neighbour, Teresa, passed away yesterday after a hard fought battle with cancer. I really didn't know her all that well, to be honest, but what I do know is that she was an amazing woman. She was one of those people in this world who are genuinely good and nice, kind and loving. It is nice to be reminded that those sort of people still exist, and here she lived right next door! Despite what she had been handed, she was always cheerful and smiling. She carried herself with grace and poise, and was made of a strength very few are. As a true testament to her character - the soul of a being so kind and strong - is the tremendous support the community is offering her family as they deal with her death. She honestly touched the entire community, it seems, in one way or another. We all knew her, in some capacity. We all have only good to say of her, which is astounding. She had such a joyous spirit in her; she was always smiling and cheerful, even when fighting for life.

I can't even begin to imagine what her daughters are feeling - I have never for one moment considered life without my mom, who is very close in age to Teresa. I do know they are going to be amazing women, thanks in large part to their mom. And I know their mom will live on in them. I see her in each of them. They are each of them thoughtful, each of them optimistic, each strong and confident.

Her passing definitely serves as a reminder that life is too short. We really do need to make the best of it while we are here. Together. My husband and I fight far too often. We need to sit back and enjoy one another's company, enjoy growing old together, with our children. I stress about a lot of things. I need to relax. I have little patience and I tend to lose my cool too easily. I yell. I need to take things in stride and breathe. In honour of Teresa, I am going to make a concerted effort to improve daily, if only by a small margin.

Happy New Year 2010

So, I have yet to remedy my lack of writing online often, and as it's not a priority to make a new year's resolution out of it, I apologize in advance for my (likely) continued sporadic posts. We're almost one week into the new year now and it's been more than one month since my last post. My apologies, I suppose we've been busy!

With... well, lots. We took the boys to have their picture taken with Santa Claus at Johans this year. However, Isaiah refused to sit with Santa and, since Braylon copies everything his older brother does - good or bad, we really didn't get a "good" picture. The boys would not, despite all coercion tactics on our part, sit on his lap, so the best we could do was have them sit in his chair while he kneeled beside them. I was surprised by Braylon, actually, because for quite some time prior to this he would point out the front window constantly and say "ant-a" at the Santa on the front porch of our neighbour's house. He seemed truly fascinated. Though I guess in person Santa is not the same as he is when safe in the distance. Regardless, we got a few pics:

It's a good thing Caleb is too young to know better!

That night I had my "surprise" 30th birthday. Greg had tried very hard to keep it that way, but I am just too clever so I figured out what he was up to long before the night. Oh well, it was still nice of him anyhow! Most of my friends are now out of town, or couldn't come for various reasons, but it was still a good night... even if I did turn 30. I'm still trying to cope!

This is the cake he tried to hide in our cold room - along with chips and pop. Can't put anything past me, Greg!!

Soon after I caught up with some good old friends of mine who weren't able to make it out that night. Some of my high school friends and I still manage to get together at least annually - and usually with hubbies and kids, usually at Christmas time (though we girls vow to do it more often). We tried out the new Tony Roma's in London, and even though it was all-you-can-eat-rib-night (right, Aliesha?!?), we weren't there for the food. I really enjoy catching up with those gals, and even though we really don't see one another often enough, nor do we ever manage to find a time when everyone can make it, it's so great to find time to meet every now and then. Speaking of which, ladies, we're into January and if we plan to keep up with our resolution to make this a monthly affair, we'd better get on planning a night!!

Unfortunately I'm starting to get busy with skating commitments. We had our first competition this month (thankfully one we don't care that much about placing well in, we just like to get the routine out and feedback in response) and, come January, I'll be on the ice a lot. So hopefully I can make it out to a girls night if we manage to organize one!

Much of the rest of the month was devoted to Christmas things. I never did finish my Christmas cards, so I apologize if you didn't receive one this year (or if the one you did receive was late... or, better yet, an addition to last year's). We did do some baking and Christmas crafts with the boys. Isaiah and I attempted to make a gingerbread house (though we cheated and used a kit). I'm really not artistic in the least, so it looks very amateur-ish, but we'll get better! I'd like to get into the traditions my mom kept up with us as kids with my boys, like decorating gingerbread men and baking certain treats, but I'm busy enough managing my day with three boys! Greg said I have to stop baking, anyhow, since neither of us have lost any weight (obviously...)!

Here we are decorating the roof!

Mid-month we hit a low as Greg's Avo Olivia passed away. She was 99 years old, and had recently had a few strokes, so it was in a way expected but nonetheless sad. It was the first time we really had to explain death to Isaiah and answer some of his questions. At first he didn't want her to become an angel to protect him and watch over him, and he didn't understand why we were going to say goodbye to her (at the funeral) when she was already dead. But I don't like dodging these issues, nor do I use kiddie-made-up words with my children, so we dealt with as much as he needed to know.

Then we headed into our busy Christmas visits with family. We celebrated with my side early, on the weekend before Christmas. It allowed my dad and Carol to head to the cottage early, and my brother and sister-in-law to only need to make one trip this way over the holidays. My Christmases are quite small, as I've only one sibling, but still very nice. My grandma, unfortunately, doesn't come back home any more - she stays in Florida. I really wish she would, as my kids are only going to be this young for a short while and it's really what makes Christmas - to see the expression on their faces and the belief in Santa, the magic of Christmas. And I miss her for us too. I know traditions change, but I don't get to see her very often anymore. We did have a great visit with my dad and Carol, James, Leanne and my niece Juliana. My dad and Carol spoil the grandkids like mad, so we were opening presents for a good hour or two, no word of a lie. The boys were very happy with their presents - especially the Thomas table my brother built for their trains. But it's not about the presents, it's about spending time with family. So I was glad to be able to do so with every one this year!

Here are the boys all dressed for dinner at my dad and Carol's house.

Isaiah (the pro now, with four Christmases under his belt) shows Braylon how to open his stocking!

Caleb and Juliana enjoy some floor time together!

Then we were off to my mom's for the Jaeger Christmas the following day. I always enjoy my mom's because it's enjoying the food I grew up with, and she keeps up with traditions I need to adopt with my kids (like the gingerbread men I mentioned before). She got the boys a wood kitchen from a store in Stratford, which they absolutely loved. It was the first gift they opened and they didn't want to bother unwrapping anything else!

The kids are really attached to my mom - Grandma Lina. She said she was sad to miss out on visiting time in a way because she was responsible for cooking, but she still managed to get a few squeezes in! My aunt Sue was there, which was nice, because we used to have strong traditions when it came to Christmas. We always had Christmas Eve dinner at my grandparents and would have trifle for dessert. There would be an almond hidden in the trifle and whoever got the almond won a prize. Well, this year it took until the very last spoonful of trifle to find that almond! Good thing Greg and I bought the Wii so we can work out those extra calories!!

Christmas Eve tradition since I've been with Greg has been to spend the night with the Rebelo side. His family is pretty close, and all of his first cousins are close in age, so we all still manage to gather together. This year we had it at his cousin Nellie's house, which strayed from tradition in that we've always had it at his Tia Gloria's in the past. We didn't stay too late, though, since we wanted the boys to get to sleep before Santa made an appearance!

Here they are in the living room, waiting patiently to open presents. Isaiah really gets along well with the older cousins too, and they're good about letting him play with them. At Avo Olivia's funeral he wasn't sure about Andrew, Nellie's third son, since Andrew and Max were play fighting and he wanted to protect Max, but he had a thing for Andrew this night! Braylon was more cautious and reserved - he didn't stray too far from me all night.

Christmas morning was had at our house. The boys slept in from the night before, and I actually had to wake them up and remind them who had come through the night.

Good morning, sleepy heads!

We ended up spoiling them as well. It's hard not to. We bought little things for each of them but in our attempt to make it fair we always ended up buying more. We didn't end up picking up the motorized car for them, though we will come spring, because it would have been too much. Isaiah got his Barbie (he got 3 actually) and Braylon was happy with everything he received too. Caleb was content to watch the action from his chair, allowing his brothers to open his gifts. It was definitely nice not to have to rush around and to simply enjoy Christmas morning at home with the boys. I will have to be careful though next year to wrap gifts from Santa with only one kind of paper and Greg will have to let me get shopping done without the kids in tow since although he still believed Santa brought him the toys Isaiah also knew I'd bought them at the store. Good thing he's only just 3!

That afternoon we had Christmas with the Faria families. The boys enjoyed playing with Justin and Rachelle and although they went to bed late again that night, they slept well once asleep because they were tuckered out. That's the one tough thing about Christmas - it completely messes with our usual daily routine and so sleep is altered significantly. We bought the Faria kids Band Hero for Christmas, so of course we opened it up and played much of the evening.

Our final Christmas was with Isaiah's godparents, our friends Candice and Altin. We are now godparents too, though not officially, to their daughter, Isabella. We went out to eat (and Isaiah passed out in the middle of dinner, so he had a sleep with his head on the table) before visiting with them. Bella is growing like crazy - we hadn't seen her for three weeks by this time and, at this age, they change daily! Everyone says Caleb is so much bigger now too, but I don't see it when I'm with him every day.

The rest of the month was devoted to work around the house. I got Christmas packed up and put away while Greg spent quite a few days framing the basement with his dad's help. It's almost done now, save for a few tricky spots. Then we'll have to plan out electrical before drywalling can begin. He's also been busy snowblowing lately as, with the turn of the new year, Strathroy has been hit hard with squalls. It has been nice for the boys, though, since they've been dying to go outside in the snow (which we didn't have up until about a week ago). Braylon is very cautious, as is his nature, and not much of a fan of the wind chill, but Isaiah loves being outdoors. Mateo came over to play with them while Greg was framing one day, and they've since been tobagganing at Weldon Park in Arva too. Here's hoping we can enjoy more days like this without treacherous weather now that Greg is back to work.

So, I've got two of three awake now (as it's taken me much of the afternoon to post this), and so I must sign off. Off to yoga soon anyhow!