Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Blessing in Disguise?

Okay readers, we're almost three months in to this separation. And I wish I could say it's gotten easier. Well, it hasn't. Not in the least. It's still raw, it's still overwhelming, it's still sad and hurtful. And I can't seem to get over the pain. Or the fact that I can still, somewhere in my heart, love someone who has treated me like shit for so long. Who was disconnected, emotionally and... totally... from our marriage for quite some time. For someone who has no moral fibre, no values. And I'm a sucker, douped again by my own mistake to trust him in some capacity. But he's a liar, and always will be someone I can't call a friend. My friends are amazing people. They are good, genuine, loving people, sound in their morals. That is not Greg. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

I've always believed everything happens for a reason, and so something good is going to come out of this. At some point. But it's tough. It's hard to believe that. I hate how painful this is, still, today. I hate how much I miss a marriage that was pretty damn shitty, to be honest. How can I want that? How can I not want better for myself? I do, but you know, it's hard to let go of someone you love (which is also interesting to note how easily Greg has let go... so it makes me question how he felt all along), a relationship so familiar. It's hard to see that this is going to work out for the best, in the end. The end is so far from the present.

So how do I get through this? How do I stay strong when so much is challenging who I am, right to the core? I have to ignore what everyone thinks. Many people are mistakenly misguided by others' thoughts and opinions and have formed ill opinions as a result. The people who know me for me will be there for me in the end. As for the rest, it's their loss. I'm not even half the things he's making me out to be... I can't change what people think of me, who I was in my marriage or who I am today. I have to just be me. Keep my head up and get through this. Love my kids and take the best possible care of them. Control what I can and leave the rest up to...

...well, here's where I wish I could say God. It'd be nice to know I could trust someone. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm not exactly sold on the higher power. We are masters of our own fate, creators of our destiny. But still, it'd be nice to know someone was helping to look out for me, putting me through this test for something in the future... right?

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just pretty lost in all this. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded that Greg can be the way he is. It makes me feel as though he never loved me in the first place. It's hard to get past the cheating, too. I know I unfortuately have to deal with him because of our kids, and I'd like it to be civil. I really would. But how can I possibly be civil with someone like him? How can he possibly expect me to want to be a friend of his when he treated me far worse than any of my friends, combined, have treated me. I didn't deserve any of this, but the unfairness of it all is something I also can't control. It just sucks.

So I'm just trying to vent, and I no longer care how public this shit gets. It is what it is. People who know can then be there for me, to pick me up and get me back on the path, moving forward. Onward I go.

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