Saturday, July 17, 2010

Breaking my Silence

Okay, well it seems enough time has passed for me to begin expressing what I have been going through in my own words, instead of simply posting lyrics that I can relate to quite closely. I have a lot to say, and if you know or suspect my situation, you'll understand just how much I must have to say. So it won't all be said in this post, by no means, and much will be left unsaid anyway, for many reasons. For one, I am pressed for time... I am now officially a single mother of three, three very rambuncious boys who keep me very busy and are all very dependent on an adult to care for their needs. As well, I don't believe that everything needs to be said. I am a very private person who has had to make much of what I am going through public, on sites like Facebook mostly simply because of Greg's choice to change his status to single. I followed suit and allowed the opportunity to be an open door for me, to let people who are going to be there for me do so by being honest in my status updates so they know how to support me. I've still maintained a degree of privacy, trust me, there's so much I've at times wanted to say.

So what have I to say today? Well, as you've likely already guessed, my marriage has recently dissolved. I take issue with that, as though I am gaining perspective regarding the person I was married to, I was not the one to initiate the chain of events that led to the marriage's end. And I hold firm in my belief to try at all costs, which did not happen because of things Greg did and choices he made, not me. That is not to say I don't own the problems that were mine in the marriage. If I could go back and make different choices I would. I would redirect the focus and concentrate more on the positives between us. We sent one another on a downward spiral... But I cannot look at my life through the rear-view mirror, save to learn from my mistakes and others' mistakes. I must put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Yet I must step off the road I am on for a moment to make one comment. I do not take marriage lightly. I do not buy into the philosophy taken by Greg that marriage is something you lease, and that should you wish you trade in for a newer model. That is a crock, if you ask me. I financed, I was commited for life. I meant what I said in my marriage vows, that I was in it for better or for worse. I knew from the beginning my investment might depreciate over time, and I also knew that it would take a lot of work to keep it in mint condition. And, just like a car, when things break or begin to go awry, I believe they need to get into the shop to be fixed. Well, I was never given that chance. Instead of attempting to salvage our marriage, by going to counselling for example, Greg simply took the "easy" way out. He sabotaged the marriage, knowing full well the likely consequences of his actions, and now we're at where we're at.

And it's no "easy" road, that's for sure, for either of us. Our situation has been complicated by another chain of events that many people are unfortunately stuck on, and don't fully understand. That, however, I'll leave well enough alone for now, despite the pain it has caused me (and continues to...). I will only attest to how difficult it has made things for the both of us, and how complicated an already complicated situation became.

But you know, despite how painful, sad and disappointing this has been for me, there have come a handful of very wonderful things. For one, I'm doing it on my own. Were you to ask me before I definitely did say I was already quite like a single parent, but I really am now, in all aspects. And I'm doing it. In fact, I'm doing it well. There are still very difficult moments, made even harder in having to deal with this added stress and the emotional toll this all has taken. For me, that is... it would seem I'm the only one who has shed tears over the end of the marriage, but that's something to reflect on at another time... or not, who knows? At least I know I loved with my whole heart... Anyhow, I've taken the boys on vacation by myself, I've taken them on day trips, I function day in and day out as a single mom. And I am doing a great job. I am first and forevermore a mom. I would have, even two months ago, told you that role was equally as important to me as was my "title" of wife. But with that stripped away, I am focused solely on parenting my boys through this.

Another amazing thing that has come out of this is the tremendous amount of support and love. So many people have said such kind, supportive things. And some of those people, many in fact, are people I would never have suspected to say anything. People who were simply acquaintances, people I knew more through Greg's side of the family, people from stages in my life that have come and gone, and unfortunately so had much of our contact, but also people who have been amazing friends all along. And of course my loving family. I am very grateful to still have so many wonderful people in my life who are strong enough to stand up and say what they think, to support me regardless of ties, to understand there are two sides to every story, to emphasize with what I must be going through.

So, I'm just trying to get through each day. Not one day passes, however, that I do not get caught up thinking about what we had, what could have been. It's sad and very disappointing to not be living the life you thought you were going to. And although I tend to agree in many ways that this will work out for the better in the end, it's still not what I wanted, this is not the road I chose to be on. I miss my husband terribly. He was my best friend. He was my partner. But he is not someone I even know anymore. And he very obviously doesn't know me. Doesn't respect me or value the things I hold most important in life. Yet I still cry... I probably will be very upset about all of this for a long time. I loved him.