Sunday, August 29, 2010

Adding Insult to Injury

Every day this shit gets worse. When is it going to end? I can't do this much longer. I am strong, but I can't handle much more. Greg continues to add insult to injury, with a stone cold heart. This is all too much.

Today the boys and I were invited to Greg's cousin's son's baptism, and under the impression Greg wasn't going to be there, we mustered the strength to go. I am friends with Greg's cousin Janice, and I wanted to be there for her. And my boys love their cousins and their family. They miss them. But then, as I'm going out to get the stroller for Caleb after the baptism, Greg shows up. Wearing a shirt his girlfriend, whom he left me for, bought him. Of all the fucking shirts in his closet, are you kidding me? I know I'm upset because my heart is still very broken, and sure, his entire family will see it as overreacting that we left - and he'll play it that way. But are you fucking for real Greg?

He wants us to be friends but he refuses to end the relationship (which JUST ended not even a week ago - apparently ended, who even knows if it did, or if it will end for good THIS time) with Amanda. He is so insensitive to my emotions about all of this. He is stone cold, heartless. And I have nothing more to say. Once I can be severed completely from him, maybe then I can heal. What an ass.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Trying to Pick up the Pieces

I can't sleep. I desperately need to but I can't. My mind is racing. My heart is crying. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And just when I think it's getting a little better, a little easier, I am hit with yet another blow.

Not only is Greg still dating his 23 year old girlfriend whom he left me for (so there's all that self esteem shit to deal with there), he had the audacity to bring her along on his time with the boys yesterday. Ya. I don't even know what to say. It's entirely inappropriate, for one, to do that to our kids. The boys are so young and so confused with all of this. And he didn't even tell me, Isaiah did. It's pretty pathetic when you find out the truth from a three year old.

And it's pathetic on her part too, as a mom herself. She is free to choose to have people waltz in and out of her daughter's life, but when this begins to affect my kids I am going to put up a fight. They are not in the least bit ready for that. They haven't recovered from their life turning upside down. I definitely wonder what kind of a person she is if she can't see that. But she isn't the issue, really, Greg is.

He just doesn't get it. Not in the least. And he continues to make these choices. This is a path he chose. I asked him to fight for us, time and time again, he chose her. I have to live with that choice, and hopefully it does work out to be good for me in the end, but it is a choice that has some serious negative impacts right now. It is completely ridiculous that she was there with my kids. He has all the time in the world to spend with her, that he doesn't value what time he has with the boys is shocking. (Although I'm not entirely sure why, considering, for example, he only ever wants his kids at the end of a weekend so it doesn't interrupt his free time. He is living a life I honestly didn't think he wanted... I thought I married a family man...)

And that so many still root for him is beyond comprehension. I am sick of the "poor Greg" shit. I have never, not once, denied his access to the kids. Despite what kind of a person he is. I have never treated him poorly in all of this. I wish people would look at who he is being and not be so quick to judge me. I was not perfect in my marriage, but neither was he. People are forgetting just how miserable he made me. It's not all about him. And no matter what, he didn't have to end the marriage that way. He could have been decent and ended it first before moving on with her. I loved him unconditionally. I was committed and devoted to him.

And now I need to get over him. That he still chooses her means we can't be friends. It means he really doesn't, and possibly never did, feel the way I felt about him. Feel about him. (Yah, that I could still love him after all this is baffling to me, but it's there. I have yet to find a way to just turn it off.) That he doesn't value anything I do. That he doesn't respect our children. I have to unlove him. I have to let go of that kind of person.

What sucks is that all increasingly crushing to my self esteem. I am the only one hurting in this. It is so unfair. And I am starting to wonder if I'll ever be okay, if I'll get through this.

But I took a big step right now... a step I may need help taking. He is not a friend. How can he be if he is putting her first? Before the kids. He is not a person I need in my life right now if these are the choices he is making. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep him out of my life. I deleted him from my Facebook because it does me no good to know what is going on with him, with them. I am going to focus solely on myself and my boys, getting us through this. And whoever is there with me in the end are my real friends.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Blessing in Disguise?

Okay readers, we're almost three months in to this separation. And I wish I could say it's gotten easier. Well, it hasn't. Not in the least. It's still raw, it's still overwhelming, it's still sad and hurtful. And I can't seem to get over the pain. Or the fact that I can still, somewhere in my heart, love someone who has treated me like shit for so long. Who was disconnected, emotionally and... totally... from our marriage for quite some time. For someone who has no moral fibre, no values. And I'm a sucker, douped again by my own mistake to trust him in some capacity. But he's a liar, and always will be someone I can't call a friend. My friends are amazing people. They are good, genuine, loving people, sound in their morals. That is not Greg. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

I've always believed everything happens for a reason, and so something good is going to come out of this. At some point. But it's tough. It's hard to believe that. I hate how painful this is, still, today. I hate how much I miss a marriage that was pretty damn shitty, to be honest. How can I want that? How can I not want better for myself? I do, but you know, it's hard to let go of someone you love (which is also interesting to note how easily Greg has let go... so it makes me question how he felt all along), a relationship so familiar. It's hard to see that this is going to work out for the best, in the end. The end is so far from the present.

So how do I get through this? How do I stay strong when so much is challenging who I am, right to the core? I have to ignore what everyone thinks. Many people are mistakenly misguided by others' thoughts and opinions and have formed ill opinions as a result. The people who know me for me will be there for me in the end. As for the rest, it's their loss. I'm not even half the things he's making me out to be... I can't change what people think of me, who I was in my marriage or who I am today. I have to just be me. Keep my head up and get through this. Love my kids and take the best possible care of them. Control what I can and leave the rest up to...

...well, here's where I wish I could say God. It'd be nice to know I could trust someone. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm not exactly sold on the higher power. We are masters of our own fate, creators of our destiny. But still, it'd be nice to know someone was helping to look out for me, putting me through this test for something in the future... right?

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just pretty lost in all this. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded that Greg can be the way he is. It makes me feel as though he never loved me in the first place. It's hard to get past the cheating, too. I know I unfortuately have to deal with him because of our kids, and I'd like it to be civil. I really would. But how can I possibly be civil with someone like him? How can he possibly expect me to want to be a friend of his when he treated me far worse than any of my friends, combined, have treated me. I didn't deserve any of this, but the unfairness of it all is something I also can't control. It just sucks.

So I'm just trying to vent, and I no longer care how public this shit gets. It is what it is. People who know can then be there for me, to pick me up and get me back on the path, moving forward. Onward I go.