Monday, August 16, 2010

Trying to Pick up the Pieces

I can't sleep. I desperately need to but I can't. My mind is racing. My heart is crying. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And just when I think it's getting a little better, a little easier, I am hit with yet another blow.

Not only is Greg still dating his 23 year old girlfriend whom he left me for (so there's all that self esteem shit to deal with there), he had the audacity to bring her along on his time with the boys yesterday. Ya. I don't even know what to say. It's entirely inappropriate, for one, to do that to our kids. The boys are so young and so confused with all of this. And he didn't even tell me, Isaiah did. It's pretty pathetic when you find out the truth from a three year old.

And it's pathetic on her part too, as a mom herself. She is free to choose to have people waltz in and out of her daughter's life, but when this begins to affect my kids I am going to put up a fight. They are not in the least bit ready for that. They haven't recovered from their life turning upside down. I definitely wonder what kind of a person she is if she can't see that. But she isn't the issue, really, Greg is.

He just doesn't get it. Not in the least. And he continues to make these choices. This is a path he chose. I asked him to fight for us, time and time again, he chose her. I have to live with that choice, and hopefully it does work out to be good for me in the end, but it is a choice that has some serious negative impacts right now. It is completely ridiculous that she was there with my kids. He has all the time in the world to spend with her, that he doesn't value what time he has with the boys is shocking. (Although I'm not entirely sure why, considering, for example, he only ever wants his kids at the end of a weekend so it doesn't interrupt his free time. He is living a life I honestly didn't think he wanted... I thought I married a family man...)

And that so many still root for him is beyond comprehension. I am sick of the "poor Greg" shit. I have never, not once, denied his access to the kids. Despite what kind of a person he is. I have never treated him poorly in all of this. I wish people would look at who he is being and not be so quick to judge me. I was not perfect in my marriage, but neither was he. People are forgetting just how miserable he made me. It's not all about him. And no matter what, he didn't have to end the marriage that way. He could have been decent and ended it first before moving on with her. I loved him unconditionally. I was committed and devoted to him.

And now I need to get over him. That he still chooses her means we can't be friends. It means he really doesn't, and possibly never did, feel the way I felt about him. Feel about him. (Yah, that I could still love him after all this is baffling to me, but it's there. I have yet to find a way to just turn it off.) That he doesn't value anything I do. That he doesn't respect our children. I have to unlove him. I have to let go of that kind of person.

What sucks is that all increasingly crushing to my self esteem. I am the only one hurting in this. It is so unfair. And I am starting to wonder if I'll ever be okay, if I'll get through this.

But I took a big step right now... a step I may need help taking. He is not a friend. How can he be if he is putting her first? Before the kids. He is not a person I need in my life right now if these are the choices he is making. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep him out of my life. I deleted him from my Facebook because it does me no good to know what is going on with him, with them. I am going to focus solely on myself and my boys, getting us through this. And whoever is there with me in the end are my real friends.

1 comment:

Farmers Wife said...

Natalie, I wish I had the right words to tell you everything will be just fine. but I don't. What a hard time you are going through. I'll be praying for you and the boys Nat, I wish you knew the love of Jesus...a love never failing, a steadfast love that endures every storm, Open arms that carry you through the roughest times, a Promise to love you like no other can.
I found this little website that explains a bit about Gods love for you .. if you're interested.

Anyway, always know you're loved. Looking forward to a stress free night in october when we can relax with eachother! Take care sweetie!