Impossible

Six weeks in, and things are still too difficult to put into my words, so again I leave you with some lyrics...

Shontelle: Impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did, i did
and you were strong and i was not
my illusion, my mistake
i was careless, i forgot
i did

and now when all is done
there is nothing to say
you have gone and so effortlessly
you have won
you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

falling out of love is hard
falling for betrayal is worst
broken trust and broken hearts
i know, i know
thinking all you need is there
building faith on love is worst
empty promises will wear
i know (i know)

and now when all is gone
there is nothing to say
and if you're done with embarrassing me
on your own you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy (i was happy)
and my heart is broken (and my heart is broken)
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

My Little Timbit

Well, we're one month into soccer season now - for Isaiah and myself. Isaiah is playing in the Timbit Under-5 division this year, and he's really starting to take to the game. Last night he was quite into the game, chasing the ball and dribbling it toward the net (although twice he got confused as to which net was the one to score in). And he did in fact almost score (yes, almost in our net, but also almost in the opponent's net as well). It's hard for him to not get caught up in not scoring. At least last night's game was more evenly matched and I think in the end we may have pulled off a win (if not, a tie). (I sound completely oblivious to the game, but keep in mind I have three kids to watch and so my priorities are not keeping track of the goals for and against... that, and the past few weeks have been complete blow-outs by the other teams so I just stopped keeping a running tally so my brain must've already thought to do so again.)

Anyhow, he really seems to enjoy the game. And I'm very glad he wants to play. I'm not having to coerce him to dress in his shinpads, socks, uniform and cleats nor bribe him to step on the field, as some parents do. And so long as he is reminded to keep chasing the ball and kick it toward the other end of the field, he is actually very involved in the play.

As for Braylon, he's so far been content to be allowed to warm-up with the Purple Dragons and then sit alongside the field to cheer for his big brother. Of course it helps that his cousins have been to every game, along with many other family members (I'm pretty sure Isaiah has had the most fans each game), to help distract him. And last night Grandma Lina brought some gummy candies for him. But he's definitely into the game as well. Unfortunately he has yet another summer to wait as despite being 14 months from Isaiah in age, they are two "school years" apart.

Caleb has so far been an easy spectator too. He typically naps during part of the time and thankfully, despite becoming increasingly difficult to rock him to sleep, he has eventually given in to slumber in my arms while cheering for Isaiah. And last night he was so completely off his normal schedule that he was wide awake the entire game, which was better.

And so that's how our typical Tuesday or Thursday evening, depending on the schedule, plays out. This is only the beginning of a very busy life for me... a life I thought would be busy for two parents and which now is going to play out even more so it would seem. (Again, not the time to blog about any of this yet... maybe one day...)

Heartbreak

What I really need to blog about is too painful and raw right now, so for now I leave you with some lyrics from a song, many of the words of which are very fitting of my situation...

The Script: Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's going to put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna to stop the bleeding
'Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the blame,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cuz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no

We May Have Reached a Milestone

Okay, so if you've been with me for awhile, you well know the struggles I had potty training Isaiah. And what with my nephew already trained, I'm slightly discouraged that Braylon isn't, at 27 months. That being said, I'm slightly apprehensive about pushing him. I know we're supposed to let them train when they are ready. But he really has shown signs of readiness. And it seems today we may have reached a milestone. He woke up this morning refusing the diaper, so into big boy underwear he went. And so far so good. He asked three times this morning to use the potty, once to poo, and I took him once when I thought it'd been awhile since the last time he'd gone. All four times there were results. He's back in his undies post nap, and so far so good again! In fact, I JUST took him and he chimed, "Yeah, me!" after looking to be sure he had done a "big pee" in the potty. (I can't believe my blogging life focuses so much on potty training and so little on thoughts flying through my head, but that's for another time.)

He's just such a different kid than Isaiah was. It's incredible the spectrum, really, that must exist, as in many ways my oldest two are polar opposites. He's such a ham, honestly. Isaiah too, but Braylon gets anyone going and just soaks up positive attention. Take yesterday, making "KISS" faces with Bert at Max's luncheon. Or the things he says to us as we're trying to get him to sleep.

I've really noticed a change in him by far the most the last while. Particularly in terms of his words. Before, he really let Isaiah speak for him, and really only I understood what he was intending to communicate. But now he's speaking sentences, understandable to most. He's counting to ten (well, sort of to twenty, actually, but he does 10 with no mistakes... he misses fourteen when counting to twenty). He's trying quite hard to carry on conversations now, and wants you to know exactly what he means to say.

It's other things as well. He has never been one for cartoons (where Isaiah can sit for hours, were he allowed, in front of the tv watching cartoons, Braylon doesn't avert one single glance in its direction). He's a very active boy, who just likes to play. And lately he's been into things more sophisticated. Take, for instance, how Greg noticed yesterday that, where a normal toddler would (and he himself used to) simply whack at a ball or puck with a hockey stick or golf club, he now tries hard to stick handle. At 2. On the floor of course, as I've yet to convince my boys to appreciate the ice like I do. It's phenomenal, really, watching how he carefully taps the ball to see just how much control he needs. (Maybe I should have him coach me, as I'm jumping into a new sport: ball hockey, next week and, did I mention, am completely uncoordinated when it comes to sports involving hand-eye coordination... that's why I play soccer and skate!!).

I'm interested to see where Caleb will fit in. He's really changing these days as well, but that will be for another post! I think two in one day, considering I've not blogged for ages (again, I know), is good for now!

Still Going "Strong"

So, as many of you who read my blog know, I've been doing the P90X since the beginning of March. Initially my husband and I planned time for our workouts to happen together, but that quickly became impossible to keep up with three kids and a changing routine for Greg every two weeks. I quickly found myself, along with Tony Horton and his rotating fitness models, having to stick to my guns and continue reserving a chunk of time to head downstairs and exercise. Now, when I say exercise, I'm not so sure this is entirely what I was looking for. Not only is Tony incredibly annoying by disc 2, with his cheesy lines especially, but the program features certain exercises that I'm not sold on. But when I say I'm going to do something, and still have at least 15 lbs. to go until I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm going to do it. And some of the "bulking up" I don't mind, as since turning 30 parts of my body, in particular my under arms, have begun to sag (yes, despite carrying three children day in and day out). However, there are parts I force myself to do, and I'm still not entirely convinced that I will achieve the results I am looking for through this particular program.

For one, as a friend of mine pointed out, there is no opportunity to plug in my personal information and goals so that I can better design the program for me. Where a personal trainer would sculpt a workout best for what I need at this point in time, this workout series is really quite generic, with generalized suggestions of what you should be doing (mostly in terms of reps). I'm totally guessing as to which weight would best suit the specific exercise, and how much I should push my body to accomplish in one day.

On the up side, people have mentioned they've noticed a physical change... which is good, mostly. It's sort of depressing in that I must really have been carrying a good deal of baby weight around for people to see such a result already, considering I have quite a way to go (it's a 90 day program). But, like I said, I've been sticking it out! And it's something, as right now I can't exactly get out of the house every day to work out at the gym. By the way, I suppose I really should have agreed to taking a "before" photo, as the program and Greg both suggested. But I was far too modest to take a picture of myself so out of shape seven weeks ago! That means I'm halfway done right now, as each phase is four weeks long.

Now, usually, unless I miraculously work it out to squeeze the workouts in while Caleb naps, I have all three munchkins downstairs, typically interrupting my workout at frequent intervals (though usually because Isaiah and Braylon, though best of friends, play together terribly these days and often need refereeing every few minutes). So what is supposed to be an hour/day commitment quickly turns in to 2 or so. Which means I don't keep up with the Ab Ripper addition that you're supposed to do 3 times/week, as once I'm done the first workout, I can't possibly squeeze in an extra 15 minutes (which equates to about 30 or 40 with kids). So that's been disappointing too, as my core is the most out of shape.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am completely fine with my post-pregnancy body. Honestly. In fact, I've embraced the fact that my belly button will be a crater rather than it's original small sunken cavity. And I've come to accept that I may be a little jiggly in places I wasn't before having kids. I just want to be slightly more fit. I don't seem to have the energy to keep up with my kids, nor do I have the funds to recreate my wardrobe in a larger size, to be honest. Most importantly, I feel better when I exercise, and it makes me want to eat better (though I've still not given up on certain bad habits... considering I just scarfed down some Mini Eggs leftover from Easter... but one thing at a time...).

And so, after making chocolate favours for Caleb's baptism this evening, the plan is to head down to begin week eight (planned well to have my "Beach Body" in time for summer, eh?... totally kidding, I'm not sure I'll ever sport a bikini again... but the workout series is part of the whole Beach Bodies corporation, hence the joke). The first workout of the week is the worst - he makes you do a variety of pushups and chin ups - but once you get passed it, the rest of the week is a lot easier, at least for me. So here's to maintaining some sort of fitness, trying to get a little healthier one small step at a time!