Impossible

Six weeks in, and things are still too difficult to put into my words, so again I leave you with some lyrics...

Shontelle: Impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did, i did
and you were strong and i was not
my illusion, my mistake
i was careless, i forgot
i did

and now when all is done
there is nothing to say
you have gone and so effortlessly
you have won
you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

falling out of love is hard
falling for betrayal is worst
broken trust and broken hearts
i know, i know
thinking all you need is there
building faith on love is worst
empty promises will wear
i know (i know)

and now when all is gone
there is nothing to say
and if you're done with embarrassing me
on your own you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy (i was happy)
and my heart is broken (and my heart is broken)
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

My Little Timbit

Well, we're one month into soccer season now - for Isaiah and myself. Isaiah is playing in the Timbit Under-5 division this year, and he's really starting to take to the game. Last night he was quite into the game, chasing the ball and dribbling it toward the net (although twice he got confused as to which net was the one to score in). And he did in fact almost score (yes, almost in our net, but also almost in the opponent's net as well). It's hard for him to not get caught up in not scoring. At least last night's game was more evenly matched and I think in the end we may have pulled off a win (if not, a tie). (I sound completely oblivious to the game, but keep in mind I have three kids to watch and so my priorities are not keeping track of the goals for and against... that, and the past few weeks have been complete blow-outs by the other teams so I just stopped keeping a running tally so my brain must've already thought to do so again.)

Anyhow, he really seems to enjoy the game. And I'm very glad he wants to play. I'm not having to coerce him to dress in his shinpads, socks, uniform and cleats nor bribe him to step on the field, as some parents do. And so long as he is reminded to keep chasing the ball and kick it toward the other end of the field, he is actually very involved in the play.

As for Braylon, he's so far been content to be allowed to warm-up with the Purple Dragons and then sit alongside the field to cheer for his big brother. Of course it helps that his cousins have been to every game, along with many other family members (I'm pretty sure Isaiah has had the most fans each game), to help distract him. And last night Grandma Lina brought some gummy candies for him. But he's definitely into the game as well. Unfortunately he has yet another summer to wait as despite being 14 months from Isaiah in age, they are two "school years" apart.

Caleb has so far been an easy spectator too. He typically naps during part of the time and thankfully, despite becoming increasingly difficult to rock him to sleep, he has eventually given in to slumber in my arms while cheering for Isaiah. And last night he was so completely off his normal schedule that he was wide awake the entire game, which was better.

And so that's how our typical Tuesday or Thursday evening, depending on the schedule, plays out. This is only the beginning of a very busy life for me... a life I thought would be busy for two parents and which now is going to play out even more so it would seem. (Again, not the time to blog about any of this yet... maybe one day...)

Heartbreak

What I really need to blog about is too painful and raw right now, so for now I leave you with some lyrics from a song, many of the words of which are very fitting of my situation...

The Script: Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's going to put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna to stop the bleeding
'Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the blame,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cuz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no