Our New Chapter

So instead of tackling my already rather large pile of marking, accumulated in a few weeks, I have decided to spend some of prep blogging. Afterall, it's been awhile (four months or so). In case you were concerned, all's well.

In fact, all's better than well. Things are good, and it's mostly been due to a change in perspective. I have, through all of this, kept my chin up and plowed through. And I knew I would come out on the other side just fine. And here I am. More than fine. The biggest and best change has been a change in the way I began looking at what happened to me. I've taken on a glass half full philosophy about everything, and staying positive has truly helped me gain so much distance on where I was when last I posted.

So where am I? Happily dating, for one. I have been in a relationship for nearly two months now, and it is going incredibly well. There are many things that are evident in my current relationship that were missing from my marriage, especially from the last few years. I am smiling. I am having fun. And that is what is most important. Chris is someone I knew, though vaguely, from my years spent with Greg. And, coincidentally, we recently figured out that we were seated at the very same table at a wedding less than a year and a half ago. He has been very supportive and caring, but I think the most redeeming quality he has shown thus far has been respect. I will likely blog more about this relationship as it grows, obviously, so for now I'll say I am just enjoying each day as it comes, living in the moment and living for the moments, with Chris and with my boys.

Speaking of which, the boys, as they've always been, have been incredibly resilient. They are truly flourishing. I never thought, when first separated, that I would be okay with the situation only because I wanted so badly for the boys to have a "normal" family, but I quickly realized maybe Greg and I were not meant to be, and that would be okay for the boys. Not to say I didn't love him, nor that I never afterwards had moments of disappointment. I am not in the least bit ashamed to have loved someone and been devastated by the dissolve of our marriage. But Greg and I have grown so far apart that I can't even envision us having a friendship, sadly. (Though again, for the sake of positivity, I am going to leave all Greg-related topics off the blog...) And having gained months of ground on things, I have also learned that what I thought I was feeling may not have been as strong as I thought at the time.

Anyhow, our living conditions have been thrown curve ball after curve ball, and we've waded through it all as best we can. The biggest change for my boys has been of recent as they are now at daycare, thriving (despite being sick more often than not, but that would be a blog post for the negative Natalie, so let's leave that one alone as I focus more on positivity). I hear nothing but great things from the daycare providers when I pick them up, and I can't convey enough how satisfying it is to know that I am raising them right, in that regard. I truly do try to be the best possible mom. My favourite moments are the ones we spend laughing, just being together on a daily basis. I am very fortunate to be able to have them so often, though Greg and I have been trying a more consistent pattern of him having his time with them too. That's likely been the hardest thing for me, because I never signed up to be a part-time parent and I don't want to miss out on moments in their lives. But I would never deny Greg access to his children, so long as he wants it, and my boys need their father - regardless of how I think or feel toward/about him, or the decisions he makes - in their lives. I have held to that notion this entire time. Being without them is sometimes agonizing though, and it's difficult to pass an entire weekend missing out on spending time with them. Thankfully so far I've been busy with skating, so my mind is often preoccupied. They change so often, though, so maybe weekends with their dad will be easier to deal with when they're older?

Isaiah, for example, is half-way through JK, and I notice new feats accomplished daily. He is a colouring fiend at present, creating masterpieces at every opportunity. I will be astonished if he doesn't pursue some creative avenue for his career later in life. He has made progress with his skating lessons as well, passing his first badge and beginning to move faster across the width of the ice each week. We're still working on his attitude, but he is his mother's son afterall.

Braylon survived his first trip to the dentist - where I was relieved to find out his two-year-old molars are in fact hiding out in his gums, ready to burst through in the next few months. His language has really developed as well, and he is making friends easily at daycare. He continues to be more active than Isaiah ever was, tuning out cartoons in favour of play and being physical at every opportunity. He is still a ham, and still stubborn as hell, but man is he ever a cutie!!

Caleb has probably been the one to change the most significantly, though his verbal skills continue to be delayed. I have noticed recently that he tries to vocalize sounds, but he has never been one to attempt to repeat the things you are asking him to say. I am sure it has something to do with having two older brothers speak for him, so it's not yet cause for concern. Not when other kids I know were nearly two before language became an outlet for expressing ideas. A week or so ago he moved up from the Infant room at daycare to the Toddler room, and though small in stature, he is better fit with an older-age peer group. His level of play has changed, and his dependency on his soother has diminished, thankfully! He is still pretty sucky and cuddly, in fact all three are mama's boys - he clings desperately to me each morning at dropoff despite having done it for two months now - but he is also becoming a little boy whose personality emerges more so each day.

So that's an update, in a nutshell. There is so much more to say but for the sake of time and other priorities, that's what you get for now. Hope you're still out there, reading audience! I leave you with a thought a friend of mine posted on Facebook today: "I am the author of my own life..." and what an unbelievable chapter is unfolding before me!! I hope you'll stay tuned...

Life After Love: Five Months Later

Okay, so many of you are likely wondering how we're doing, five months into this new life. I've had a great deal on my plate, and still do, and there have been countless times I've wanted to blog to vent my frustrations especially. But I have decided I'd like to keep this as positive as possible, because that is what I need right now. Particularly right now.

Things are crazy busy at work, as is to be imagined. The move has really only shortened my drive by 10 minutes, so I am on the road for nearly 2 hours/day. Time with the boys becomes a priority in the evenings, so I am behind... but I don't really care. I care about getting myself and my boys through this.

Although I have no clue what the other side will look like, or whether or not I'll know I'm there. This is my life, my reality, I'm living now. Maybe it will always be this way. Who knows? I hate to think I'm going to feel this lonely all my life, feel this great void. I hate to think that maybe, just maybe, my husband didn't love me all along, and that I had a false conception of love as a result. Possible.

There are definitely highs and lows, and as of Saturday things have hit another low... so it's difficult to stay positive. Perhaps I shouldn't have chosen this moment to blog an update, especially as I feel the invasive eyes of my student teacher looking over my shoulder from the table behind me. So... I'll blog later, when I have time!! Haha, that's a joke!!

Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive...

Adding Insult to Injury

Every day this shit gets worse. When is it going to end? I can't do this much longer. I am strong, but I can't handle much more. Greg continues to add insult to injury, with a stone cold heart. This is all too much.

Today the boys and I were invited to Greg's cousin's son's baptism, and under the impression Greg wasn't going to be there, we mustered the strength to go. I am friends with Greg's cousin Janice, and I wanted to be there for her. And my boys love their cousins and their family. They miss them. But then, as I'm going out to get the stroller for Caleb after the baptism, Greg shows up. Wearing a shirt his girlfriend, whom he left me for, bought him. Of all the fucking shirts in his closet, are you kidding me? I know I'm upset because my heart is still very broken, and sure, his entire family will see it as overreacting that we left - and he'll play it that way. But are you fucking for real Greg?

He wants us to be friends but he refuses to end the relationship (which JUST ended not even a week ago - apparently ended, who even knows if it did, or if it will end for good THIS time) with Amanda. He is so insensitive to my emotions about all of this. He is stone cold, heartless. And I have nothing more to say. Once I can be severed completely from him, maybe then I can heal. What an ass.

Trying to Pick up the Pieces

I can't sleep. I desperately need to but I can't. My mind is racing. My heart is crying. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And just when I think it's getting a little better, a little easier, I am hit with yet another blow.

Not only is Greg still dating his 23 year old girlfriend whom he left me for (so there's all that self esteem shit to deal with there), he had the audacity to bring her along on his time with the boys yesterday. Ya. I don't even know what to say. It's entirely inappropriate, for one, to do that to our kids. The boys are so young and so confused with all of this. And he didn't even tell me, Isaiah did. It's pretty pathetic when you find out the truth from a three year old.

And it's pathetic on her part too, as a mom herself. She is free to choose to have people waltz in and out of her daughter's life, but when this begins to affect my kids I am going to put up a fight. They are not in the least bit ready for that. They haven't recovered from their life turning upside down. I definitely wonder what kind of a person she is if she can't see that. But she isn't the issue, really, Greg is.

He just doesn't get it. Not in the least. And he continues to make these choices. This is a path he chose. I asked him to fight for us, time and time again, he chose her. I have to live with that choice, and hopefully it does work out to be good for me in the end, but it is a choice that has some serious negative impacts right now. It is completely ridiculous that she was there with my kids. He has all the time in the world to spend with her, that he doesn't value what time he has with the boys is shocking. (Although I'm not entirely sure why, considering, for example, he only ever wants his kids at the end of a weekend so it doesn't interrupt his free time. He is living a life I honestly didn't think he wanted... I thought I married a family man...)

And that so many still root for him is beyond comprehension. I am sick of the "poor Greg" shit. I have never, not once, denied his access to the kids. Despite what kind of a person he is. I have never treated him poorly in all of this. I wish people would look at who he is being and not be so quick to judge me. I was not perfect in my marriage, but neither was he. People are forgetting just how miserable he made me. It's not all about him. And no matter what, he didn't have to end the marriage that way. He could have been decent and ended it first before moving on with her. I loved him unconditionally. I was committed and devoted to him.

And now I need to get over him. That he still chooses her means we can't be friends. It means he really doesn't, and possibly never did, feel the way I felt about him. Feel about him. (Yah, that I could still love him after all this is baffling to me, but it's there. I have yet to find a way to just turn it off.) That he doesn't value anything I do. That he doesn't respect our children. I have to unlove him. I have to let go of that kind of person.

What sucks is that all increasingly crushing to my self esteem. I am the only one hurting in this. It is so unfair. And I am starting to wonder if I'll ever be okay, if I'll get through this.

But I took a big step right now... a step I may need help taking. He is not a friend. How can he be if he is putting her first? Before the kids. He is not a person I need in my life right now if these are the choices he is making. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep him out of my life. I deleted him from my Facebook because it does me no good to know what is going on with him, with them. I am going to focus solely on myself and my boys, getting us through this. And whoever is there with me in the end are my real friends.

A Blessing in Disguise?

Okay readers, we're almost three months in to this separation. And I wish I could say it's gotten easier. Well, it hasn't. Not in the least. It's still raw, it's still overwhelming, it's still sad and hurtful. And I can't seem to get over the pain. Or the fact that I can still, somewhere in my heart, love someone who has treated me like shit for so long. Who was disconnected, emotionally and... totally... from our marriage for quite some time. For someone who has no moral fibre, no values. And I'm a sucker, douped again by my own mistake to trust him in some capacity. But he's a liar, and always will be someone I can't call a friend. My friends are amazing people. They are good, genuine, loving people, sound in their morals. That is not Greg. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

I've always believed everything happens for a reason, and so something good is going to come out of this. At some point. But it's tough. It's hard to believe that. I hate how painful this is, still, today. I hate how much I miss a marriage that was pretty damn shitty, to be honest. How can I want that? How can I not want better for myself? I do, but you know, it's hard to let go of someone you love (which is also interesting to note how easily Greg has let go... so it makes me question how he felt all along), a relationship so familiar. It's hard to see that this is going to work out for the best, in the end. The end is so far from the present.

So how do I get through this? How do I stay strong when so much is challenging who I am, right to the core? I have to ignore what everyone thinks. Many people are mistakenly misguided by others' thoughts and opinions and have formed ill opinions as a result. The people who know me for me will be there for me in the end. As for the rest, it's their loss. I'm not even half the things he's making me out to be... I can't change what people think of me, who I was in my marriage or who I am today. I have to just be me. Keep my head up and get through this. Love my kids and take the best possible care of them. Control what I can and leave the rest up to...

...well, here's where I wish I could say God. It'd be nice to know I could trust someone. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm not exactly sold on the higher power. We are masters of our own fate, creators of our destiny. But still, it'd be nice to know someone was helping to look out for me, putting me through this test for something in the future... right?

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just pretty lost in all this. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded that Greg can be the way he is. It makes me feel as though he never loved me in the first place. It's hard to get past the cheating, too. I know I unfortuately have to deal with him because of our kids, and I'd like it to be civil. I really would. But how can I possibly be civil with someone like him? How can he possibly expect me to want to be a friend of his when he treated me far worse than any of my friends, combined, have treated me. I didn't deserve any of this, but the unfairness of it all is something I also can't control. It just sucks.

So I'm just trying to vent, and I no longer care how public this shit gets. It is what it is. People who know can then be there for me, to pick me up and get me back on the path, moving forward. Onward I go.