A Blessing in Disguise?

Okay readers, we're almost three months in to this separation. And I wish I could say it's gotten easier. Well, it hasn't. Not in the least. It's still raw, it's still overwhelming, it's still sad and hurtful. And I can't seem to get over the pain. Or the fact that I can still, somewhere in my heart, love someone who has treated me like shit for so long. Who was disconnected, emotionally and... totally... from our marriage for quite some time. For someone who has no moral fibre, no values. And I'm a sucker, douped again by my own mistake to trust him in some capacity. But he's a liar, and always will be someone I can't call a friend. My friends are amazing people. They are good, genuine, loving people, sound in their morals. That is not Greg. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

I've always believed everything happens for a reason, and so something good is going to come out of this. At some point. But it's tough. It's hard to believe that. I hate how painful this is, still, today. I hate how much I miss a marriage that was pretty damn shitty, to be honest. How can I want that? How can I not want better for myself? I do, but you know, it's hard to let go of someone you love (which is also interesting to note how easily Greg has let go... so it makes me question how he felt all along), a relationship so familiar. It's hard to see that this is going to work out for the best, in the end. The end is so far from the present.

So how do I get through this? How do I stay strong when so much is challenging who I am, right to the core? I have to ignore what everyone thinks. Many people are mistakenly misguided by others' thoughts and opinions and have formed ill opinions as a result. The people who know me for me will be there for me in the end. As for the rest, it's their loss. I'm not even half the things he's making me out to be... I can't change what people think of me, who I was in my marriage or who I am today. I have to just be me. Keep my head up and get through this. Love my kids and take the best possible care of them. Control what I can and leave the rest up to...

...well, here's where I wish I could say God. It'd be nice to know I could trust someone. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm not exactly sold on the higher power. We are masters of our own fate, creators of our destiny. But still, it'd be nice to know someone was helping to look out for me, putting me through this test for something in the future... right?

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just pretty lost in all this. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Which is why I'm so dumbfounded that Greg can be the way he is. It makes me feel as though he never loved me in the first place. It's hard to get past the cheating, too. I know I unfortuately have to deal with him because of our kids, and I'd like it to be civil. I really would. But how can I possibly be civil with someone like him? How can he possibly expect me to want to be a friend of his when he treated me far worse than any of my friends, combined, have treated me. I didn't deserve any of this, but the unfairness of it all is something I also can't control. It just sucks.

So I'm just trying to vent, and I no longer care how public this shit gets. It is what it is. People who know can then be there for me, to pick me up and get me back on the path, moving forward. Onward I go.

Breaking my Silence

Okay, well it seems enough time has passed for me to begin expressing what I have been going through in my own words, instead of simply posting lyrics that I can relate to quite closely. I have a lot to say, and if you know or suspect my situation, you'll understand just how much I must have to say. So it won't all be said in this post, by no means, and much will be left unsaid anyway, for many reasons. For one, I am pressed for time... I am now officially a single mother of three, three very rambuncious boys who keep me very busy and are all very dependent on an adult to care for their needs. As well, I don't believe that everything needs to be said. I am a very private person who has had to make much of what I am going through public, on sites like Facebook mostly simply because of Greg's choice to change his status to single. I followed suit and allowed the opportunity to be an open door for me, to let people who are going to be there for me do so by being honest in my status updates so they know how to support me. I've still maintained a degree of privacy, trust me, there's so much I've at times wanted to say.

So what have I to say today? Well, as you've likely already guessed, my marriage has recently dissolved. I take issue with that, as though I am gaining perspective regarding the person I was married to, I was not the one to initiate the chain of events that led to the marriage's end. And I hold firm in my belief to try at all costs, which did not happen because of things Greg did and choices he made, not me. That is not to say I don't own the problems that were mine in the marriage. If I could go back and make different choices I would. I would redirect the focus and concentrate more on the positives between us. We sent one another on a downward spiral... But I cannot look at my life through the rear-view mirror, save to learn from my mistakes and others' mistakes. I must put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Yet I must step off the road I am on for a moment to make one comment. I do not take marriage lightly. I do not buy into the philosophy taken by Greg that marriage is something you lease, and that should you wish you trade in for a newer model. That is a crock, if you ask me. I financed, I was commited for life. I meant what I said in my marriage vows, that I was in it for better or for worse. I knew from the beginning my investment might depreciate over time, and I also knew that it would take a lot of work to keep it in mint condition. And, just like a car, when things break or begin to go awry, I believe they need to get into the shop to be fixed. Well, I was never given that chance. Instead of attempting to salvage our marriage, by going to counselling for example, Greg simply took the "easy" way out. He sabotaged the marriage, knowing full well the likely consequences of his actions, and now we're at where we're at.

And it's no "easy" road, that's for sure, for either of us. Our situation has been complicated by another chain of events that many people are unfortunately stuck on, and don't fully understand. That, however, I'll leave well enough alone for now, despite the pain it has caused me (and continues to...). I will only attest to how difficult it has made things for the both of us, and how complicated an already complicated situation became.

But you know, despite how painful, sad and disappointing this has been for me, there have come a handful of very wonderful things. For one, I'm doing it on my own. Were you to ask me before I definitely did say I was already quite like a single parent, but I really am now, in all aspects. And I'm doing it. In fact, I'm doing it well. There are still very difficult moments, made even harder in having to deal with this added stress and the emotional toll this all has taken. For me, that is... it would seem I'm the only one who has shed tears over the end of the marriage, but that's something to reflect on at another time... or not, who knows? At least I know I loved with my whole heart... Anyhow, I've taken the boys on vacation by myself, I've taken them on day trips, I function day in and day out as a single mom. And I am doing a great job. I am first and forevermore a mom. I would have, even two months ago, told you that role was equally as important to me as was my "title" of wife. But with that stripped away, I am focused solely on parenting my boys through this.

Another amazing thing that has come out of this is the tremendous amount of support and love. So many people have said such kind, supportive things. And some of those people, many in fact, are people I would never have suspected to say anything. People who were simply acquaintances, people I knew more through Greg's side of the family, people from stages in my life that have come and gone, and unfortunately so had much of our contact, but also people who have been amazing friends all along. And of course my loving family. I am very grateful to still have so many wonderful people in my life who are strong enough to stand up and say what they think, to support me regardless of ties, to understand there are two sides to every story, to emphasize with what I must be going through.

So, I'm just trying to get through each day. Not one day passes, however, that I do not get caught up thinking about what we had, what could have been. It's sad and very disappointing to not be living the life you thought you were going to. And although I tend to agree in many ways that this will work out for the better in the end, it's still not what I wanted, this is not the road I chose to be on. I miss my husband terribly. He was my best friend. He was my partner. But he is not someone I even know anymore. And he very obviously doesn't know me. Doesn't respect me or value the things I hold most important in life. Yet I still cry... I probably will be very upset about all of this for a long time. I loved him.

Impossible

Six weeks in, and things are still too difficult to put into my words, so again I leave you with some lyrics...

Shontelle: Impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did, i did
and you were strong and i was not
my illusion, my mistake
i was careless, i forgot
i did

and now when all is done
there is nothing to say
you have gone and so effortlessly
you have won
you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

falling out of love is hard
falling for betrayal is worst
broken trust and broken hearts
i know, i know
thinking all you need is there
building faith on love is worst
empty promises will wear
i know (i know)

and now when all is gone
there is nothing to say
and if you're done with embarrassing me
on your own you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky line
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy (i was happy)
and my heart is broken (and my heart is broken)
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

My Little Timbit

Well, we're one month into soccer season now - for Isaiah and myself. Isaiah is playing in the Timbit Under-5 division this year, and he's really starting to take to the game. Last night he was quite into the game, chasing the ball and dribbling it toward the net (although twice he got confused as to which net was the one to score in). And he did in fact almost score (yes, almost in our net, but also almost in the opponent's net as well). It's hard for him to not get caught up in not scoring. At least last night's game was more evenly matched and I think in the end we may have pulled off a win (if not, a tie). (I sound completely oblivious to the game, but keep in mind I have three kids to watch and so my priorities are not keeping track of the goals for and against... that, and the past few weeks have been complete blow-outs by the other teams so I just stopped keeping a running tally so my brain must've already thought to do so again.)

Anyhow, he really seems to enjoy the game. And I'm very glad he wants to play. I'm not having to coerce him to dress in his shinpads, socks, uniform and cleats nor bribe him to step on the field, as some parents do. And so long as he is reminded to keep chasing the ball and kick it toward the other end of the field, he is actually very involved in the play.

As for Braylon, he's so far been content to be allowed to warm-up with the Purple Dragons and then sit alongside the field to cheer for his big brother. Of course it helps that his cousins have been to every game, along with many other family members (I'm pretty sure Isaiah has had the most fans each game), to help distract him. And last night Grandma Lina brought some gummy candies for him. But he's definitely into the game as well. Unfortunately he has yet another summer to wait as despite being 14 months from Isaiah in age, they are two "school years" apart.

Caleb has so far been an easy spectator too. He typically naps during part of the time and thankfully, despite becoming increasingly difficult to rock him to sleep, he has eventually given in to slumber in my arms while cheering for Isaiah. And last night he was so completely off his normal schedule that he was wide awake the entire game, which was better.

And so that's how our typical Tuesday or Thursday evening, depending on the schedule, plays out. This is only the beginning of a very busy life for me... a life I thought would be busy for two parents and which now is going to play out even more so it would seem. (Again, not the time to blog about any of this yet... maybe one day...)

Heartbreak

What I really need to blog about is too painful and raw right now, so for now I leave you with some lyrics from a song, many of the words of which are very fitting of my situation...

The Script: Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's going to put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna to stop the bleeding
'Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the blame,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cuz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Cuz I got time while she got freedom,
'Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even.

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no
Oh it don't break even, no